I'm So Sorry

Thoughts: Sex and the City 2

2010-05-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you hate the new SATC for many reasons; it's unrealistic, it makes women look dependant on men, and the consumerism puts Paris Hilton to shame. But let’s face it, some people live like this. Just not you. And I’m so sorry that you can't relate.

Some women never got into SATC, and that's fine. But the beauty of the show is that it portrays all aspects of the modern American woman. The single mother/lawyer Miranda, the married with children and eternally optimistic Charlotte, the promiscuous yet successful Samantha, and the trendy and often monogamous Carrie, whose job and closet I dream of on a daily basis.

Now I’m not going to get into the actual show, but let’s talk about why you hate it.

You think it’s unrealistic: Maybe for you. Many women (people in general) live like this. These women have put so much emphasis on their careers and are simply reaping the rewards. So they’ve chosen not to settle down, who cares? 40 is the new 30.

You think it makes women look dependant on men: Wrong. Miranda is a single mother. Carrie may have gone back to Big… but have you heard of that crazy phenomenon called love? Sometimes two people are just meant to be. And Samantha left longtime love Smith in LA to get her freedom back. Now Charlotte is the only exception since she loves being married, even if it means twice.

You think the consumerism is over the top: Debatable. Yes they shop. A lot. But let’s face it, you’re subconsciously jealous because you can’t do the same. You would kill to look that good in Louboutins and Halston. I would! I’d also kill to drink at the best bars, dine in the best restaurants, and get whisked away to foreign lands. All in time. If anything, just think they're helping the economy.

Basically the movie is about the style, the romanticism, the idealistic. It’s not meant for you to see these women as your bffs. Get over it. Just sit back and admire the beauty of it all.

*Note: I have not seen the movie yet, this response is based on all the commotion around it. But I am seeing it in 2 days and I'm excited.

Hey babe, what's up? Lol. ;)

2010-05-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

Texting: A simple alternative to actual human interaction. And the perfect opportunity to always say the right thing. I mean, you have unlimited time to think of that flawless line, to be smooth, witty, and to provoke the response you want. So why, or lord why, is it so hard for some people? It’s simple, you want to hang out? Then just ask. But please, please (we’re begging you) do not do any of the following:

Do not keep texting someone who is not responding. Period. They do not like you. No she didn’t lose her phone. No he didn’t just happen to miss your text. No she’s not that busy. He’s just not that into you. Exhibit A: "Super Loser Seven" (see photo)

Do not text “what’s up?”... what are you asking here? What am I doing? What are my plans for the evening? Did I accidently dial you? You will most likely provoke a response like “nothing much…” which gets both of you nowhere.

Do not text in the language (or slang) of where that person is from. No “aloha”, or “hello mate”, or “konnichiwa”. Just don’t. It’s not cute. And we know you had nothing else to say so that’s what you came up with. Exhibit B: I don’t even know who this is. (see photo)

Do not use a :) ;) :P or any variation of these, repeatedly. Once or twice ok, if you really mean it, but we’re not 14 yr old girls. I get it, you’re happy.

Do not constantly type “lol”. Really? Are you really laughing out loud? I just said I had a long day at work, is that funny to you?

Do not call me “babe”, we just met. I am not your babe. Exhibit C: That was the last time I talked to him... (see photo)

Do not text someone who didn’t give you their number. Seems simple enough. Getting a girl’s number from a friend of a friend is creepy. And some of us didn’t know our number was posted on Foursquare, ok? That doesn’t mean it’s a free for all!

Do not get passive aggressive if you get turned down. It’s not going to help you any. Exhibit D: I tell a boy he’s texting me too much and it’s overwhelming, his response: (see photo)

Do not type everything in abbreviation. “Hey, how r u? Nice mtg u lst nite. We shuld hang sumtime. Mayb 2morw? lol.” How is that attractive in any way? Survey says: get a life. Or better yet, an education.

Do not SPELL incorrectly! You’re and your. Too and to. It’s not hard! This has to be the number one turn off. Really, I took a poll.

It's Hollywood, after all.

2010-05-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

Living in Hollywood has its perks; sunshine, run-ins with beautiful celebrities, great restaurants, and even better bars. But with its perfections come its flaws, and flawed they are… the people that is. More specifically, the men. Whether he’s an actor slash model, “in a band”, promotes parties, or “works in production”, one thing is for sure… he’s a self-absorbed characterless immature pathetic excuse for a man. Harsh? Maybe. Ok, yes. But here are my thoughts:

Why he’s self-absorbed: he’s living in LA to be somebody. Period. It doesn’t matter who he meets, he does not care about you. He doesn’t have any real friends, just some buddies from work. He will not stop talking about himself, where he’s traveled, and which celebs he had bottle service with. He probably doesn’t remember your name.

Why he’s characterless: he is a compilation of acting classes; sometimes he’s deep and methodical, sometimes he’s carefree and energetic. And sometimes he’s just… there. His lack of style doesn’t jive in LA so he’s adopted the hipster look; overpriced, overdone, over accessorized, yet... casual? He even grew facial hair to play the part. So who is he? Check his imdb, they probably know better than he does.

Why he’s immature: he’s not interested in a relationship. He’s not ready, too focused on his career, and is “just having fun”. He sleeps on a futon in his studio with a mini fridge full of beer. He doesn’t call/text and believes you should be the one to pursue him. Because you know, he’s worth it.

Why he’s a pathetic excuse for a man: ever hear of being a gentleman? No. This guy doesn’t treat you to dinner, he buys you a drink. Doesn’t open doors, he walks ahead of you. He’s always on his phone, texting, tweeting, bbming. He doesn’t compliment you, he asks you what you think of his new jacket. Pick you up? Forget it. You’re driving your ass to some dive bar in Santa Monica where he can prove to you he is, in fact, all of the above.

Like, Love, Hate. A short story.

2010-05-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

Look at you; that outfit, that face, that voice. Drinks. Dinner. Champaign. Drinks. My place. I like you. From strangers to being inseparable. Be your girlfriend? Who are you? I don’t even know you. A run down of your past, your middle name, the meanings of your tattoos. Meet your mother? She didn’t seem to like me. You think you love me? I guess I love you too. Move in with you? Are you insane? It’ll be temporary. We’re going to get married anyway, why not? I love you. Can’t you pick up your socks? And the toothpaste in the sink…? Thanks for making dinner honey. I think you’ve had enough to drink. What do you mean you’re going out? Let’s talk tomorrow when you’re sober. I say these things because I love you. Who’s texting you at this hour? And why is she saying she misses you? Fine, it’s in the past. Let’s move on, together. Buy a house? But… well, I love you too. I lost my job. Wait, I’m being annoying? You’re never home! Who are you chatting with? It would be easier if I had a job? You said I didn’t have to work. Let’s take a vacation? NY? I had an amazing time. I love you. Who gave you this journal? She says you love her. It’s not mutual? This isn’t working. You’ll never talk to her again? Don’t cry. You’re sorry, I know. We’ll be fine. Work with you? I guess that’ll be fun. I’m a bitch? You’re a lying cheating asshole! You hated our NY trip? Well I hate you.

Dear (Personal) Space Invader,

2010-03-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

Thank you for “researching” everything about me before our first date. You were so prepared you even answered all my questions with responses I would say. Like when I asked what type of music you listen to, you said Jazz. Jazz! And you even like Jamie Cullum, that’s my favorite artist! But you already knew that. Speaking of Jamie Cullum, thanks for finding tickets for me/us since they were sold out. It’s kind of weird that at the concert you didn’t know a single song he sang, or sway along to the music, or even smile for that matter. You must have been tired that night or something. Maybe that’s why when I said it was the best concert I had ever been to you seemed shocked, but later said it was the best you had seen too. Delayed reaction. Or maybe it was the double shot of Crown, straight up, that you had. Did you know Crown is my favorite drink? Oh you did? Well for “trying to get into whiskey” I guess it’s a good choice. It's too bad you couldn’t finish it, or even get half way through it for that matter.

What I thought was most impressive was when you told me you’re a foodie, because you know I love to try new restaurants/eat in general. It’s funny though, you couldn’t even name one restaurant in all of LA, so we drove around…. for an hour. Maybe there were just too many options.

To top it all off you even brought me the movie you recommended (and I said I’d get around to). I told you my bff has it and I’d borrow it from her, but you insisted. I said I’d get it on Netflix, but you insisted. I even said I didn’t know when I’d have time to watch it, or when/if I’d see you again, but… you insisted. You must really want me to see this movie.

Oh, and thanks for sending me the link to the company I’m interviewing with, even after I said I had already visited the site. Then for doing added research and telling me other people had negative experiences there, and it might not be worth my time. It’s nice that you had time at work to do all that searching.

Unfortunately I’m so sorry, but even though we apparently like exactly the same tv shows, movies, music, activities, sports, types of food, and now alcohol, I just don’t think it’s going to work out. Maybe I should stick to "opposites attract", or maybe you’re just crazy.

P.S. You might want to get your eyes checked, they kept staring, kind of wildly… it freaked me out.

Dear My Los Angeles Native,

2010-03-29T00:32:00.000-07:00

When they say people from LA are crazy, I'm pretty sure you were the one who set the bar. In 3 hours you managed to tell me your entire life story, in great detail. I mean, who needs a little mystery anyway, right? But just so I don't miss anything here's a little recap:

- You were in a gang
- You were a rapper
- You were arrested for assault with a deadly weapon
- You were stabbed 6 times in the stomach
- You were in and out of jail for months
- Your ex put a hit on you with a rival gang
- You were a big time meth and cocaine dealer
- You were addicted to meth
- You lost everything and became homeless
- You got back on your feet by selling drugs again
- You cleaned up your act and became a Big Brother and started your own charity
- You're a banker by day
- You're a club promoter by night

Did I miss anything? Probably.

I don't know if "not my type" sums up my feelings well enough. Maybe more like "hesitant/put off/terrified for my life".

I'm so sorry, but I just can't see myself bringing you home to mother. But thank you, for a lovely evening.

P.S. I ~~love~~ ~~like~~ saw the tattoo of Los Angeles on your arm. It looked... just like it.

Worst. Date. Ever.

2010-03-05T17:37:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a blog about my dating hiatus, but then I went on a date. And now I remember why I was on a hiatus....

First of all let me preface this with the fact that I've been putting this date off for weeks. "I'm not feeling well", "I just left the gym, I'm all sweaty", you name it, I said it. So finally I felt bad. But more importantly I needed to go out with this guy because he's well connected in this city and will be opening a new club (where I want VIP status) shortly.

Now on to the date. The day prior he texts that we should meet "around 3 or 4" so I plan my day around that. Come 2:00 he says "I'm training people, how about 5?" Ok, that's fine. So I get ready and he says "I'll be done around 5 or 6". Naturally he calls at 6 to say he's finished and asks where to meet me. Here's what happens:

"How about Bougeois Pig in Franklin Village?"

"Ummm I don't know where that is."

"Well do you know where Birds is?"

"Uhhh, no."

"Do you know where Franklin is?? Franklin and Gower?"

"Ummm... yeah. I mean, kind of, is it walkable?"

"It's like 10 blocks. But I would drive."
"Well I don't have a car, can you pick me up?"

"Uh, really? Well, no. I don't drive."

"Oh. Well I guess I'll have to catch a cab. You sure I can't walk it?"

"I mean, you can, it's up to you..."

"Well, um, I don't know, let me figure this out. I'll call you back"

Twenty minutes go by and I text him "are you ok? It's really only like 10 blocks..." He responds with "I'll meet you at 7:30". Seriously? More. Fucking. Waiting?

So 7:30 rolls by and he's sitting outside. Waiting. Smoking. He apologizes for the next 5 minutes and almost redeems himself. That is until he changes the subject... to himself. The next hour was all about name dropping, his party lifestyle, living in Vegas, crazy nights out and getting drunk until 6 am, how he loves clothing, and how he's sooooo busy. And, shocker, he was texting the entire time. He didn't even turn the volume off, it literally chimed every 30 seconds. But the best part was at the end of the hour when he picked up the phone (with no warning), called his friend, and asked if he wanted to go to dinner. Then he gets off the phone and asks if I'm ready to go. You have no idea buddy.

We get outside, he puts his arm around me, and walks me home because he's a "gentleman" as he says. Pffftttt. We say our goodbyes and he excitedly says we should get together soon while rattling off his weekly schedule. Yeah, ok.

Good night. Good bye. Get lost.

If you want me, come and get me

2010-01-02T00:17:00.000-08:00

Guys are social morons. Ok, some are damn smooth, and I give them credit for being able to enchant the women they pursue with rhythmic compliments and witty banter. But for the rest of them... well, I'm torn between being annoyed and feeling sorry for them. Like a pathetic one-legged pigeon that, even though it probably carries the plague, you can't help but feel for the poor thing.

Which brings me to social skills, or lack thereof. I'll start with my favorite worst pick up lines of the past month:

"You have the cutest bugs bunny overbite."

"How old are you?"

"Are you two best friends? I can tell."

"Is that real leather?"

"You look like the innocent one, your friend is the bad one..."

See what I mean? Boys. But more so I'm concerned with those men who can not, for the life of them, hold conversations or follow through.

For example, the guy who calls me at 7:30 and leaves no message. In reply I text that I'm in a movie and ask "what's up?". He then proceeds to see what my plans are and asks if we can get together. I agree, and when the movie ends I text to let him know I'm done. Twenty minutes later he says he wants to "kick it" and I reply in agreement. Half an hour later I get a message saying "Not sure if anythings fun tonight everybody is dead from new years". And I, clearly taking the lead, say "We don't have to go to a club, we can always just get drinks somewhere". Fifteen minutes later, nothing. So I finish it up by saying "Ok. Nevermind. You can just say no, but I'm pretty sure you were the one who asked me out." Another fifteen minutes and some lame message about getting his car from somewhere comes through and he'll call me in a bit. By this time it's 11:45 and I'm over it. "Sorry, going to bed". Better luck next time kid.

So this leaves me with three questions:

1) Why ask me out if you're just going to flake out at the moment of truth?

2) Is he technologically inept and can't comprehend leaving voicemails and texting replies?

3) Is he so socially awkward that leaving a voicemail frightens him to the point of indigestion and cold sweats? While texting takes a good 15 minutes to write a rough draft, proof read, correct spelling, and finally send?

If you want me, come and get me. It's easy. Just do it. Period. The end.

Opinions are more than welcome because I'm not used to this bullshit.

And so it goes...

2009-10-01T22:14:00.000-07:00

Why... hello. It's been a while. What is the occasion for my return you ask? Oh you didn't ask? Well I have something to write about so keep reading.

We.
Broke.
Up.

Plain and simple. On our 6 month anniversary nonetheless. And to top it all off I am moving to LA... tomorrow. I had 3 days to ship out. Not the most exciting move, but a good one I'm hoping. On to bigger and better things (that's what they say at least). So, I guess we'll see what happens...

I'm so sorry in advance, LA.

Nice Try, Buddy

2009-04-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah, we've all been there. At some point we've all tried to make someone who broke our heart jealous. It happens. But wow, I have never seen a more pathetic attempt until right now. As I mentioned I've had some ties to cut lately. One of which was so upset he defriended me on Facebook. Zing! Yeah, that'll show me all right.

Ok, I get it. You defriended me in hopes that I would notice. Well bravo it worked, but only because I was going to send you an apology. I looked at your page, some new tool-like profile picture is up. Typical. So I message you, "you deserve an explanation..." yadda yadda yadda. And what do you know, you write back 2 days later sporting a new profile picture of you and some little Japanese girl. What's this? Your status changed to "In a Relationship"? And your message... awe inspiring : "Life goes on. Sometimes we meet certain people in life that will teach us many things or will help us learn more about ourselves or somehow indirectly lead you to other people with whom you'll form new friendships, new loves, or learn something, and it's beautiful and that's how life is..." Brilliant. Pure gold.

Well it was a nice try on your part, but did you forget telling me about the Japanese girl you dated before me? Did you forget telling me she moved back to Japan? And did you simply not notice that in your profile picture your hair is short, when now it's long? But the icing on the cake has to be your status updates : "Lovin life", "Couldn't be happier", and the best yet "In love...".

Nice try, buddy. But we can all tell your photos are scanned. At least download it to your phone and mobile upload it next time. Oh, and when you messaged me to ask if my number was in fact, my number.... you took it too far.

What Now?

2009-04-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

It’s April 2nd, and that means 30 First Dates should be well on it's way. 30 days, 30 men, 30 stories. I’d love to say that I have a great story from date no. 1 coming. And I’d love to say that date no. 2 was tonight. And I would really love to say that this is going to be the most exciting blog ever written! BUT... something happened. Something unexpected and, well… unimaginable.

I met someone. And not just met someone, we’re…. together, as in: 'Status: In a Relationship'. How did this happen? No really, I’m asking. It just hit me, like a San Francisco taxi cab (ow). If I believed in love at first sight, then I’d say our connection could probably make it under it's wikipedia definition. Everything about our first date was flawless. But it wouldn’t have mattered where we went, or what we had done, it was that undeniable chemistry that made us fall head over heels for each other.

So what now? How do I go from serial dater to committed girlfriend in less than a week? From flirtatious glances on the street to staring down at my pumps? From FH 3, 4, & 5 to…. the BF? I've already started cutting my ties and let me tell you, it hasn’t been pretty. One boy went so far as to defriend me on facebook. Really? Real mature buddy.

Now about this blog. Have I lost my identity? Or do I continue on with the trials of this new found relationship. Or the fact that I have a pseudo date on Saturday that I still haven’t cancelled. Or maybe the fact that I’m terrified when I should be elated. No really, terrified. Not because it doesn't feel right (it definitely does), but because I'm not sure I'm capable of being a good girlfriend. I guess time will tell...

To be continued...

Dear Douchebag,

2009-03-24T23:35:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry I missed your call last night. I was busy... brushing my cat. I did however notice you uploaded a new album : "Spring break 09 - Cancun edition, part 1". Wow. Congratulations. You managed to get every drunken whore in the club to take a picture with you! Some of them even kissed you on the cheek! I'm impressed. You looked like the true man of the hour. And the up-shots of the go-go dancers in booty shorts were a nice touch. Can't wait to see editions 2, 3, and maybe even 4! But one question : Cancun? Really? Couldn't you have chosen Cabo, or Puerto Vallarta, or.... ohhh that's right, you're "saving your money". I almost forgot. Remember the time you made me pay for brunch at Foreign Cinema? I do. I also remember saying I wasn't hungry. But that's neither here nor there. I'm sure Cancun is very lovely this time of year.

So what else have you been up to? Working out, I'm sure. I remember you calling me after the gym... every... day. Funny, for working out that much you weren't very toned. Really, 2 hours a day? Hmmm... well I'm sure it's just water weight. Is getting "shit faced" and "trashed" still part of your daily routine as well? Drinking at work with your clients, then off to happy hour, then sake bombs, then to (ohmygod) Slide! Your life sounds so fucking glamourous I wish I were part of it!

But really, when are we going to hang out again? I love riding in your 1994 Mustang. Especially when it revs like a manual transmission needing a shift, when really it's an automatic. Oh the thrill! Maybe I'll bring my favorite tunes to play in your Pioneer deck. And if it's sunny can I borrow your white framed Oakleys this time? That would be the perfect day.

Until then, I ~~miss~~ hate you.
xoxo

Dear Creep,

2009-03-21T17:37:00.000-07:00

I’m so sorry, but will you please stop texting me, stop Facebook messaging me, and stop showing up, alone, at the bars I frequent. And stop calling MY neighborhood OUR neighborhood. You don’t live here. In fact, stop calling it “the hood”. I’m pretty sure my neighborhood will not be making it into Urban Dictionary anytime soon.

Really, after 10 consecutive unreturned texts and messages do you still not get the point? I’m just not that into you. I never was. I never will be. We’ve never even hung out alone together (thank god).

You know what, I’m NOT sorry. Fuck off!

P.S. Remember when you read my status about staying in all weekend, then responded by saying we should stay in together? I threw up. And it wasn’t self-induced this time.

Friday Night

2009-03-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

So one key to serial dating is not burning yourself out. Which is why, among other reasons, I am home tonight. I took the weekend off to detox, at least that’s what I’m saying until something good comes up. But really, I need to. I have some exciting dates lined up next week and I have to look my best.

I had double booked tonight, but cancelled both. Actually the first I just didn’t confirm. The second however, took a little bit more thought. He asked to come over… with drinks and a movie. So basically he wanted to get me drunk, on my couch. Hmmm… let’s see what’s on his mind. So I responded with “…and board games?”. Cute, friendly, and playing off his obvious intent to get in my bed. His response? “Naked twister?”

Wait. Stop right there. Whaaaat?? Was this guy serious? People still play Twister?

After giving it 2 seconds I immediately cancelled. No. No, that’s a complete lie. After a long struggle, and 2 consults, I decided this was not a good idea. But I wanted to make sure I stayed on his radar, in case I changed my mind, or need to fill 1 of 30 slots next month.

Here is what I said (a few hours later):
“I’m such an idiot. I totally forgot that I told (insert friend's name here) that I’d go to (insert show here). He just reminded me. Rain check? I’ll get the special edition Twister…”

Here is why this works:
1) Make yourself look bad. Most people won't. And he won’t contest.
2) Preferably use a person’s name who he’s met. I used my gay friend. Otherwise say “my friend so-and-so…”. More believable.
3) Say you’re going somewhere you know he won’t show up. I like to use shows (theatre, plays, musicals). That way even if he wanted to go he’d need to buy a ticket. I used Beach Blanket Babylon because of course, there is no way he’d go there.
4) Always rain check.
5) Say something to show you’re into him. Special edition Twister says “if I didn’t have other plans I’d totally be down”

His response:
“No problem. Give me a call later or tomorrow if you want”

And that my friends, was as easy as 1-2-3 (4-5)

Dear Latin Lover,

2009-03-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you fall for me. Really. I just needed you to fill the void of my other Latin lover, and well, you just couldn’t do it. I mean, the accent wasn’t even close. But thank you, for taking the time to meticulously plan our dates so they were seemingly perfect. And for cooking me that amazing meal. I mean, wow. And for taking me grocery shopping then carrying everything, even the kitty litter. That was nice.

But unfortunately you’re a little odd, and don’t particularly dress well (horribly, actually), and… what else what else... oh yeah, you’re immature. I thought people stopped spelling things wrong on purpose in middle school. No? Either way I applaud your effort but no más.

Adiós, dollface.

The Key

2009-03-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

No, not the key to success. Not the key to my heart. Not the key that unlocks the mysteries to all your dating, err… my dating woes. But a more practical key: my acronyms and abbreviations. You know, to keep the anonymity of my dates. If you follow my twitter feed *ahem* then you may get confused if you miss a post. Do not despair! Here it is:

FH = Future Husband
Currently held by Santa Fe (the original FH) and previously held by that SF club owner. Title is transferable and used loosely.

exFH2 = Obviously, Ex Future Husband 2
Currently held by my Latin soon to be ex lover

IFH = Irish Future Husband
Currently held by an Irish lad who I plan to never talk to again.

NI = New Irish
Currently held by the new Irish lad I met during early St. Pattie’s Day festivities. Followed by a date the very next day.

CO = Colorado
Currently held by the other boy I met during St. Pattie’s Day festivities. Oops.

WC = Work Crush
Currently held by no one. The original lasted a whole 2 days

NWC = New Work Crush
Currently held by the cute boy on my floor. His famous line: “I’m going to make a frontier woman out of you”

SBF = Seattle Boyfriend
Currently held by my ex living in Seattle who wants to marry me… still.

I'm so sorry, in advance...

2009-03-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

In attempt to prepare myself for next month, which, in case you don't follow my twitter feed (highly likely), is my social experiment so lovingly known as *drum roll please* 30 First Dates. 30 dates in 30 days. A date a day, whether it be lunch, dinner, drinks, or even coffee. I plan to meet 30 new guys and blog about it. All of it. From my first impression, to what he wore, cheesy lines, names dropped, that weird growth I couldn‘t take my eyes off of, number of references to his ex, how he tried (or didn’t try) to impress me, strange cult affiliations, and if/how he tried to seal the deal. Now the guys. I’m not anticipating Grade A material here, in fact beggars can’t be choosers. But I will try to keep my standards in tact.

What do I plan to gain from this little “experiment”? Well aside from pure entertainment value, I think both girls and boys could learn a thing or two from my dating mishaps, and successes. And hey, I like to date. Stay tuned!