If you want me, come and get me

Guys are social morons. Ok, some are damn smooth, and I give them credit for being able to enchant the women they pursue with rhythmic compliments and witty banter. But for the rest of them... well, I'm torn between being annoyed and feeling sorry for them. Like a pathetic one-legged pigeon that, even though it probably carries the plague, you can't help but feel for the poor thing.

Which brings me to social skills, or lack thereof. I'll start with my favorite worst pick up lines of the past month:

"You have the cutest bugs bunny overbite."

"How old are you?"

"Are you two best friends? I can tell."

"Is that real leather?"

"You look like the innocent one, your friend is the bad one..."

See what I mean? Boys. But more so I'm concerned with those men who can not, for the life of them, hold conversations or follow through.

For example, the guy who calls me at 7:30 and leaves no message. In reply I text that I'm in a movie and ask "what's up?". He then proceeds to see what my plans are and asks if we can get together. I agree, and when the movie ends I text to let him know I'm done. Twenty minutes later he says he wants to "kick it" and I reply in agreement. Half an hour later I get a message saying "Not sure if anythings fun tonight everybody is dead from new years". And I, clearly taking the lead, say "We don't have to go to a club, we can always just get drinks somewhere". Fifteen minutes later, nothing. So I finish it up by saying "Ok. Nevermind. You can just say no, but I'm pretty sure you were the one who asked me out." Another fifteen minutes and some lame message about getting his car from somewhere comes through and he'll call me in a bit. By this time it's 11:45 and I'm over it. "Sorry, going to bed". Better luck next time kid.

So this leaves me with three questions:

1) Why ask me out if you're just going to flake out at the moment of truth?

2) Is he technologically inept and can't comprehend leaving voicemails and texting replies?

3) Is he so socially awkward that leaving a voicemail frightens him to the point of indigestion and cold sweats? While texting takes a good 15 minutes to write a rough draft, proof read, correct spelling, and finally send?

If you want me, come and get me. It's easy. Just do it. Period. The end.

Opinions are more than welcome because I'm not used to this bullshit.

And so it goes...

Why... hello. It's been a while. What is the occasion for my return you ask? Oh you didn't ask? Well I have something to write about so keep reading.

We.
Broke.
Up.

Plain and simple. On our 6 month anniversary nonetheless. And to top it all off I am moving to LA... tomorrow. I had 3 days to ship out. Not the most exciting move, but a good one I'm hoping. On to bigger and better things (that's what they say at least). So, I guess we'll see what happens...

I'm so sorry in advance, LA.

Nice Try, Buddy

Yeah, we've all been there. At some point we've all tried to make someone who broke our heart jealous. It happens. But wow, I have never seen a more pathetic attempt until right now. As I mentioned I've had some ties to cut lately. One of which was so upset he defriended me on Facebook. Zing! Yeah, that'll show me all right.

Ok, I get it. You defriended me in hopes that I would notice. Well bravo it worked, but only because I was going to send you an apology. I looked at your page, some new tool-like profile picture is up. Typical. So I message you, "you deserve an explanation..." yadda yadda yadda. And what do you know, you write back 2 days later sporting a new profile picture of you and some little Japanese girl. What's this? Your status changed to "In a Relationship"? And your message... awe inspiring : "Life goes on. Sometimes we meet certain people in life that will teach us many things or will help us learn more about ourselves or somehow indirectly lead you to other people with whom you'll form new friendships, new loves, or learn something, and it's beautiful and that's how life is..." Brilliant. Pure gold.

Well it was a nice try on your part, but did you forget telling me about the Japanese girl you dated before me? Did you forget telling me she moved back to Japan? And did you simply not notice that in your profile picture your hair is short, when now it's long? But the icing on the cake has to be your status updates : "Lovin life", "Couldn't be happier", and the best yet "In love...".

Nice try, buddy. But we can all tell your photos are scanned. At least download it to your phone and mobile upload it next time. Oh, and when you messaged me to ask if my number was in fact, my number.... you took it too far.

What Now?

It’s April 2nd, and that means 30 First Dates should be well on it's way. 30 days, 30 men, 30 stories. I’d love to say that I have a great story from date no. 1 coming. And I’d love to say that date no. 2 was tonight. And I would really love to say that this is going to be the most exciting blog ever written! BUT... something happened. Something unexpected and, well… unimaginable.

I met someone. And not just met someone, we’re…. together, as in: 'Status: In a Relationship'. How did this happen? No really, I’m asking. It just hit me, like a San Francisco taxi cab (ow). If I believed in love at first sight, then I’d say our connection could probably make it under it's wikipedia definition. Everything about our first date was flawless. But it wouldn’t have mattered where we went, or what we had done, it was that undeniable chemistry that made us fall head over heels for each other.

So what now? How do I go from serial dater to committed girlfriend in less than a week? From flirtatious glances on the street to staring down at my pumps? From FH 3, 4, & 5 to…. the BF? I've already started cutting my ties and let me tell you, it hasn’t been pretty. One boy went so far as to defriend me on facebook. Really? Real mature buddy.

Now about this blog. Have I lost my identity? Or do I continue on with the trials of this new found relationship. Or the fact that I have a pseudo date on Saturday that I still haven’t cancelled. Or maybe the fact that I’m terrified when I should be elated. No really, terrified. Not because it doesn't feel right (it definitely does), but because I'm not sure I'm capable of being a good girlfriend. I guess time will tell...

To be continued...

Dear Douchebag,

I'm so sorry I missed your call last night. I was busy... brushing my cat. I did however notice you uploaded a new album : "Spring break 09 - Cancun edition, part 1". Wow. Congratulations. You managed to get every drunken whore in the club to take a picture with you! Some of them even kissed you on the cheek! I'm impressed. You looked like the true man of the hour. And the up-shots of the go-go dancers in booty shorts were a nice touch. Can't wait to see editions 2, 3, and maybe even 4! But one question : Cancun? Really? Couldn't you have chosen Cabo, or Puerto Vallarta, or.... ohhh that's right, you're "saving your money". I almost forgot. Remember the time you made me pay for brunch at Foreign Cinema? I do. I also remember saying I wasn't hungry. But that's neither here nor there. I'm sure Cancun is very lovely this time of year.

So what else have you been up to? Working out, I'm sure. I remember you calling me after the gym... every... day. Funny, for working out that much you weren't very toned. Really, 2 hours a day? Hmmm... well I'm sure it's just water weight. Is getting "shit faced" and "trashed" still part of your daily routine as well? Drinking at work with your clients, then off to happy hour, then sake bombs, then to (ohmygod) Slide! Your life sounds so fucking glamourous I wish I were part of it!

But really, when are we going to hang out again? I love riding in your 1994 Mustang. Especially when it revs like a manual transmission needing a shift, when really it's an automatic. Oh the thrill! Maybe I'll bring my favorite tunes to play in your Pioneer deck. And if it's sunny can I borrow your white framed Oakleys this time? That would be the perfect day.

Until then, I miss hate you.
xoxo

Dear Creep,

I’m so sorry, but will you please stop texting me, stop Facebook messaging me, and stop showing up, alone, at the bars I frequent. And stop calling MY neighborhood OUR neighborhood. You don’t live here. In fact, stop calling it “the hood”. I’m pretty sure my neighborhood will not be making it into Urban Dictionary anytime soon.

Really, after 10 consecutive unreturned texts and messages do you still not get the point? I’m just not that into you. I never was. I never will be. We’ve never even hung out alone together (thank god).

You know what, I’m NOT sorry. Fuck off!

P.S. Remember when you read my status about staying in all weekend, then responded by saying we should stay in together? I threw up. And it wasn’t self-induced this time.

Friday Night

So one key to serial dating is not burning yourself out. Which is why, among other reasons, I am home tonight. I took the weekend off to detox, at least that’s what I’m saying until something good comes up. But really, I need to. I have some exciting dates lined up next week and I have to look my best.

I had double booked tonight, but cancelled both. Actually the first I just didn’t confirm. The second however, took a little bit more thought. He asked to come over… with drinks and a movie. So basically he wanted to get me drunk, on my couch. Hmmm… let’s see what’s on his mind. So I responded with “…and board games?”. Cute, friendly, and playing off his obvious intent to get in my bed. His response? “Naked twister?”

Wait. Stop right there. Whaaaat?? Was this guy serious? People still play Twister?

After giving it 2 seconds I immediately cancelled. No. No, that’s a complete lie. After a long struggle, and 2 consults, I decided this was not a good idea. But I wanted to make sure I stayed on his radar, in case I changed my mind, or need to fill 1 of 30 slots next month.

Here is what I said (a few hours later):
“I’m such an idiot. I totally forgot that I told (insert friend's name here) that I’d go to (insert show here). He just reminded me. Rain check? I’ll get the special edition Twister…”

Here is why this works:
1) Make yourself look bad. Most people won't. And he won’t contest.
2) Preferably use a person’s name who he’s met. I used my gay friend. Otherwise say “my friend so-and-so…”. More believable.
3) Say you’re going somewhere you know he won’t show up. I like to use shows (theatre, plays, musicals). That way even if he wanted to go he’d need to buy a ticket. I used Beach Blanket Babylon because of course, there is no way he’d go there.
4) Always rain check.
5) Say something to show you’re into him. Special edition Twister says “if I didn’t have other plans I’d totally be down”

His response:
“No problem. Give me a call later or tomorrow if you want”

And that my friends, was as easy as 1-2-3 (4-5)