Dear Douchebag,

I'm so sorry I missed your call last night. I was busy... brushing my cat. I did however notice you uploaded a new album : "Spring break 09 - Cancun edition, part 1". Wow. Congratulations. You managed to get every drunken whore in the club to take a picture with you! Some of them even kissed you on the cheek! I'm impressed. You looked like the true man of the hour. And the up-shots of the go-go dancers in booty shorts were a nice touch. Can't wait to see editions 2, 3, and maybe even 4! But one question : Cancun? Really? Couldn't you have chosen Cabo, or Puerto Vallarta, or.... ohhh that's right, you're "saving your money". I almost forgot. Remember the time you made me pay for brunch at Foreign Cinema? I do. I also remember saying I wasn't hungry. But that's neither here nor there. I'm sure Cancun is very lovely this time of year.

So what else have you been up to? Working out, I'm sure. I remember you calling me after the gym... every... day. Funny, for working out that much you weren't very toned. Really, 2 hours a day? Hmmm... well I'm sure it's just water weight. Is getting "shit faced" and "trashed" still part of your daily routine as well? Drinking at work with your clients, then off to happy hour, then sake bombs, then to (ohmygod) Slide! Your life sounds so fucking glamourous I wish I were part of it!

But really, when are we going to hang out again? I love riding in your 1994 Mustang. Especially when it revs like a manual transmission needing a shift, when really it's an automatic. Oh the thrill! Maybe I'll bring my favorite tunes to play in your Pioneer deck. And if it's sunny can I borrow your white framed Oakleys this time? That would be the perfect day.

Until then, I miss hate you.
xoxo

Dear Creep,

I’m so sorry, but will you please stop texting me, stop Facebook messaging me, and stop showing up, alone, at the bars I frequent. And stop calling MY neighborhood OUR neighborhood. You don’t live here. In fact, stop calling it “the hood”. I’m pretty sure my neighborhood will not be making it into Urban Dictionary anytime soon.

Really, after 10 consecutive unreturned texts and messages do you still not get the point? I’m just not that into you. I never was. I never will be. We’ve never even hung out alone together (thank god).

You know what, I’m NOT sorry. Fuck off!

P.S. Remember when you read my status about staying in all weekend, then responded by saying we should stay in together? I threw up. And it wasn’t self-induced this time.

Friday Night

So one key to serial dating is not burning yourself out. Which is why, among other reasons, I am home tonight. I took the weekend off to detox, at least that’s what I’m saying until something good comes up. But really, I need to. I have some exciting dates lined up next week and I have to look my best.

I had double booked tonight, but cancelled both. Actually the first I just didn’t confirm. The second however, took a little bit more thought. He asked to come over… with drinks and a movie. So basically he wanted to get me drunk, on my couch. Hmmm… let’s see what’s on his mind. So I responded with “…and board games?”. Cute, friendly, and playing off his obvious intent to get in my bed. His response? “Naked twister?”

Wait. Stop right there. Whaaaat?? Was this guy serious? People still play Twister?

After giving it 2 seconds I immediately cancelled. No. No, that’s a complete lie. After a long struggle, and 2 consults, I decided this was not a good idea. But I wanted to make sure I stayed on his radar, in case I changed my mind, or need to fill 1 of 30 slots next month.

Here is what I said (a few hours later):
“I’m such an idiot. I totally forgot that I told (insert friend's name here) that I’d go to (insert show here). He just reminded me. Rain check? I’ll get the special edition Twister…”

Here is why this works:
1) Make yourself look bad. Most people won't. And he won’t contest.
2) Preferably use a person’s name who he’s met. I used my gay friend. Otherwise say “my friend so-and-so…”. More believable.
3) Say you’re going somewhere you know he won’t show up. I like to use shows (theatre, plays, musicals). That way even if he wanted to go he’d need to buy a ticket. I used Beach Blanket Babylon because of course, there is no way he’d go there.
4) Always rain check.
5) Say something to show you’re into him. Special edition Twister says “if I didn’t have other plans I’d totally be down”

His response:
“No problem. Give me a call later or tomorrow if you want”

And that my friends, was as easy as 1-2-3 (4-5)

Dear Latin Lover,

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you fall for me. Really. I just needed you to fill the void of my other Latin lover, and well, you just couldn’t do it. I mean, the accent wasn’t even close. But thank you, for taking the time to meticulously plan our dates so they were seemingly perfect. And for cooking me that amazing meal. I mean, wow. And for taking me grocery shopping then carrying everything, even the kitty litter. That was nice.

But unfortunately you’re a little odd, and don’t particularly dress well (horribly, actually), and… what else what else... oh yeah, you’re immature. I thought people stopped spelling things wrong on purpose in middle school. No? Either way I applaud your effort but no más.

Adiós, dollface.

The Key

No, not the key to success. Not the key to my heart. Not the key that unlocks the mysteries to all your dating, err… my dating woes. But a more practical key: my acronyms and abbreviations. You know, to keep the anonymity of my dates. If you follow my twitter feed *ahem* then you may get confused if you miss a post. Do not despair! Here it is:

FH = Future Husband
Currently held by Santa Fe (the original FH) and previously held by that SF club owner. Title is transferable and used loosely.

exFH2 = Obviously, Ex Future Husband 2
Currently held by my Latin soon to be ex lover

IFH = Irish Future Husband
Currently held by an Irish lad who I plan to never talk to again.

NI = New Irish
Currently held by the new Irish lad I met during early St. Pattie’s Day festivities. Followed by a date the very next day.

CO = Colorado
Currently held by the other boy I met during St. Pattie’s Day festivities. Oops.

WC = Work Crush
Currently held by no one. The original lasted a whole 2 days

NWC = New Work Crush
Currently held by the cute boy on my floor. His famous line: “I’m going to make a frontier woman out of you”

SBF = Seattle Boyfriend
Currently held by my ex living in Seattle who wants to marry me… still.

I'm so sorry, in advance...

In attempt to prepare myself for next month, which, in case you don't follow my twitter feed (highly likely), is my social experiment so lovingly known as *drum roll please* 30 First Dates. 30 dates in 30 days. A date a day, whether it be lunch, dinner, drinks, or even coffee. I plan to meet 30 new guys and blog about it. All of it. From my first impression, to what he wore, cheesy lines, names dropped, that weird growth I couldn‘t take my eyes off of, number of references to his ex, how he tried (or didn’t try) to impress me, strange cult affiliations, and if/how he tried to seal the deal. Now the guys. I’m not anticipating Grade A material here, in fact beggars can’t be choosers. But I will try to keep my standards in tact.

What do I plan to gain from this little “experiment”? Well aside from pure entertainment value, I think both girls and boys could learn a thing or two from my dating mishaps, and successes. And hey, I like to date. Stay tuned!