Dear Douchebag,

I'm so sorry I missed your call last night. I was busy... brushing my cat. I did however notice you uploaded a new album : "Spring break 09 - Cancun edition, part 1". Wow. Congratulations. You managed to get every drunken whore in the club to take a picture with you! Some of them even kissed you on the cheek! I'm impressed. You looked like the true man of the hour. And the up-shots of the go-go dancers in booty shorts were a nice touch. Can't wait to see editions 2, 3, and maybe even 4! But one question : Cancun? Really? Couldn't you have chosen Cabo, or Puerto Vallarta, or.... ohhh that's right, you're "saving your money". I almost forgot. Remember the time you made me pay for brunch at Foreign Cinema? I do. I also remember saying I wasn't hungry. But that's neither here nor there. I'm sure Cancun is very lovely this time of year.

So what else have you been up to? Working out, I'm sure. I remember you calling me after the gym... every... day. Funny, for working out that much you weren't very toned. Really, 2 hours a day? Hmmm... well I'm sure it's just water weight. Is getting "shit faced" and "trashed" still part of your daily routine as well? Drinking at work with your clients, then off to happy hour, then sake bombs, then to (ohmygod) Slide! Your life sounds so fucking glamourous I wish I were part of it!

But really, when are we going to hang out again? I love riding in your 1994 Mustang. Especially when it revs like a manual transmission needing a shift, when really it's an automatic. Oh the thrill! Maybe I'll bring my favorite tunes to play in your Pioneer deck. And if it's sunny can I borrow your white framed Oakleys this time? That would be the perfect day.

Until then, I miss hate you.
xoxo